Mr. Grey will see you now

The book.

That book.

Maybe you saw it when you were sitting on your scratchy blue sun chair at the beach as you glanced to your right, only to raise a brow at the conga line of older women proudly turning its pages.

Selling more than 100 million copies worldwide, that book now sits on nightstands and dusty shelves at all continents. The long awaited movie adaption opened on Thursday night at Cinemark movies Texarkana, with the first showing at 8 p.m. That visual artistry of the book is now, well, reality. Sold out, seats brimmed with girl friends united, and maybe a few husbands/boyfriends tucked away, (sorry guys). But now the sensation is public and that means reviews. Exciting. Here are a few:

A mere 4.3 out of 10 from IMDb.

Only 30 percent of critics agree on Rotten Tomatoes.

“Grey, a vaguely defined “businessman,” is an unconvincing mix of Regency aristocrat and high-school hunk, while Anastasia is another Bella Swan (Twilight), though with even bigger daddy issues.” – Rafer Guzmán, Newsday

Do not stop reading what are you doing!

The movie begins with Annie Lennox’s “I Put a Spell On You.” A dramatic incline for what was to come. The world is introduced to Christian Grey for the first time in his jaw-dropping closet slipping on some  Nike running shoes– cheers to product placement. The audience is then taken on a manly run and few costume changes only to arrive at Ms. Anastasia Steele. Nice.

Blah, blah, blah.

Meet cute. The two unite in an uncomfortable, sterile, journalistic interview. Steele is wearing a rose gold necklace that one cannot stop staring at, especially if you’re honored with the closest seat in the theater. Way too bold of a choice. Other repeating cheesy outfits rained throughout, apparently it was the year of the jackets. As for the set, Anastasia’s apartment was very cute but highly unrealistic. This girl is supposed to be college-girl-poor not a new loft in Soho content.

Okay, now for the meat. Christian is attractive. Done. I am withholding anymore comments in fear of tainting this beautiful review. Christian is perfect. Besides when he talks. As a reader of the trilogy, Jamie Dornan, Mr. Grey, has a boxy interpretation. Facially he is sublime with the flawless squints and head tilts. Vocally he is short. Not as smooth like the way the character is portrayed. The newcomer is a little rough around the edges.

Anastasia is played by Dakota Johnson. If a girl can work a brown dry bob with a middle part and fringe bangs, she is good in my book. Her blue eyes completely tore through the drab-ery and gave us a queen. Her voice, more fitting than what could be imagined, completed her awkwardness, but also made the viewers not want to kill her for taking our man. Johnson could not have played the character better. Not to mention she is pretty good with one-liners.

Before entering the movie I was hyped, but I still feared the prospects. I didn’t think Anastasia’s character would have done justice. I imagined her going through a beautiful transformation as her relationship with Christian went on. Maybe not an Anne Hathaway in the “Princess Diaries” transformation, but I thought the bangs would go away and the hair would become a bit more silky. I’ve got to say I liked her averageness. The only flaw I saw was too much lip biting.

The movie carries on telling their story with a few lazy B-rolls. The transitions were sometimes sloppy. The slow motion was very 10 years ago. Sporadic awkward camera angles were seasoned. The editing was odd.

Nonetheless, the scenes were executed well in accordance to the story. The theater “oh-ed” and “aw-ed” louder than a little girl watching a video of a kitten tangled in yarn. The romance was held. The angst was strong. The chemistry was there, not 100 percent believable, but the best it could be.

Audis flushed in (product placement), and planes flew out. Now, Let’s talk about the other reviews. A couple were correct; some were abrasive. Why so bad? What did they expect?

“Gone with the Wind: Hills Awakened?”

“Forrest Gump 2: Run, Forrest Jr., Run?”

“The Godfather: Part XXIV?”

No, critics. It’s a romance novel.

You read the book and it’s nothing like the movie? When is it ever like the movie. Did you really think some of those scenes could be translated on to the screen while keeping its R-rated stature? The major difference between the two representations was the leaving-out of our favorite scenes, like the pancake house. On a more positive note, the story got cleaned up and sanitized in comparison to the 500-page erotica that stunned millions. I would call it mildly “refreshing.”

Let’s address the obvious. The novel Fifty Shades of Grey is very popular. Is it good? There is no plot, a complete scandalous topic, mediocre story-telling, primitive, blah, blah, blah. Snore. We get it avid readers– the book is a joke. Sweet opinion. It is. But how can we teach society to de-sensationalize a trilogy; to shift their tastes to Hemingway and Fitzgerald? Oh, yeah. Humans. We like “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” and staring at car wrecks when we drive by them.

The nation became obsessed with this avant garde fairytale in 2011. The twisted fascination is probably due to the heaps of Nicholas Spark repeats being published. It was a break from the “girl on the run,” “trust issues,” or “crazy exe.” The people who still mock the groupies won’t understand that it’s a very real concept. Creepy, yes, but I would rather read something unconventional like Gone Girl, another critically-acclaimed progressive, than a Notebook re-run any day. It’s entertainment, not Literary Canon grumps.

“Fifty Shades of Grey” is not for everybody. This movie is pure glamour and modern gothicism. It broke boundaries just like the book as it rightfully should. It lived up to my expectations, and I know it will others.

Although if you experience these symptoms, I wouldn’t recommend viewing this movie publicly.

1. Experience nausea, fainting, lightheadedness, dizziness easily
2. Feel uncomfortable in crowds
3. Do not like bonding with strangers
4. Feel an extreme awkwardness in situations
5. Are scared of attractive men/women
6. Under the age of 17

And please whatever you do, do not see this with family.