Breaking a bone hurts. Losing a loved one hurts. But holding a grudge? That leaves an ache so deep you can’t forget it.

I don’t come from a happy-go-lucky background of fidelity and support. My parents were separated by the time I was six, and I was switching between custodial hands before I was twelve.

It was easy to be angry at my parents for fighting and splitting apart the home I knew, and it was more than easy to be mad at my mom for getting in a situation she had no business being in.

All the pain and disappointment I felt, I held in. I didn’t talk to anyone about the mix of emotions I felt as a 12 year old, and I let them tear me apart.

The resentment for my mom turned into hatred and the need for release grew stronger. I began putting myself down and hurting myself for things that I couldn’t control. It took years of pain before I finally broke down and told someone what was going on.

I had to lose my sanity before I could understand what forgiveness was. I knew I needed to let go of the past.

I grew up Baptist, had been saved and baptized in my youth and could recite John 3:16 from the time I was six. But I didn’t really know who Christ was.

I prayed harder than I ever had my junior year. I prayed for peace, for sanity. I prayed that God would put a spark in me that could ignite the person I knew I could be. I wanted to learn to forgive. I wanted to stop hurting. I wanted to be capable of forgiveness.

It took months before I could speak to my mother in a loving tone. It took a year before I could face my father and speak up about the things in my life that were really wrong.

Telling the truth about what was bothering me was hard, but it was the first step in forgiving those who had hurt me. I told my mother about the pain and abandonment I felt after being separated from her and I told my father about the depression he had failed to notice.

I began forgiving them for their mistakes rather than holding them accountable for things they didn’t even realize.

The process didn’t stop there; I had to forgive myself for inflicting depression and negativity upon myself. I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and get over the things I had done.

Cleaning up the past wasn’t easy by any means, and it never will be. It’s never easy to let go of a situation, but praying definitely makes it feel simpler.

I don’t plan on holding any more grudges or ill will against people. I want to be able to love others and make memories without the clouds of the past interfering.

Through this resolution, I have found emotional stability and religion. Through this resolution, I have found myself.